carpeliam:

Listen, I’m no role model. I don’t give advice. But over the last couple of years I’ve received a lot of letters, all with the same questions: Bruce, how do you get started in comedy, you know, acting and writing? And what advice do you have for someone trying to break in? OK, here it goes…

First of all, I guess if you’re in school, make jokes. Don’t worry about it if your teachers like it or not. The only teacher you should listen to anyway is your English teacher. But not too much, because, remember — No One Understands You [flashes on screen]. Education is not your friend. Neither is sleep; you won’t need it where you’re going. Instead of studying, try listening to tragically loud music daily. And be strict with yourself — you gotta do it everyday!

You know, now that I think about it, I think it’s very important to let liquor be the wind beneath your wings. Yeah, I guess I’d have to advise drinking a lot with guys like Callum Rennie and Terry Rockio and pissing out the back of a fast-moving truck. Oh, and if a policeman goes by, try doing this under your breath: “Pig pig oink oink bacon sandwich at 2:00”. Now, get a lot of experience coming home drunk. Stand up to your dad; he may tower over you now, but as he begins to shrink, you pick your day.

It’s very important that you begin to juggle lovers. Remember: [“No One Understands You” flashes on screen].

I think it would be helpful to get a lot of dead-end jobs in warehouses with linear thinking racist pigs who will teach you only one thing: how to steal.

Did I mention piss out the back of a fast-moving truck? Oh, I did — OK — Then move to the biggest city you can find, get the smallest apartment you can find, keep your underware in a bowl in the fridge, never answer your phone, never remember your family’s birthdays, never make it home for Christmas, think a lot about vampires, death and sex with your friends’ mothers…..or fathers — you figure it out, I did. Wear a crash helmet around just in case, watch your friends get married and grow beards to cover their puffy, compromising faces…then get a TV show.

I guess I’d have to say that that’s my only advice.